How much influence do parents have over their kids friendships?

On the preschool playground, one mother mentioned to me that she “was not encouraging” a friendship between her daughter and the daughter of one of friends. It made sense. One girl was quiet and reserved and the other was aggressive and competitive. Still, it was the first I had heard about parents trying to control their children’s friendships. But unfortunately not the last.

As we moved to elementary school, I’ve noticed parents try to orchestrate their child’s friendships – inviting and declining certain play dates, befriending parents of preferred playmates and more concerningly, taking strong measures to limit friendships with particular kids.

On the mild extreme are parents who don’t reciprocate playdates. On the more extreme, parents who decline everything from play dates to birthday parties with children they deem less desirable friends for their children. Yet the kids still hang out at school and seem to like each other, begging the question, “Can parents really dictate their children’s friends?”

One parent shared a story of another family who would schedule sleepovers with her son, then not show up. When she would call, the other mother who feign amnesia and claim that it was too late to get together now. Once these boys got older and were able to walk to each other’s houses, the other mother could no longer keep them apart. They continue to be best friends, despite one mother’s efforts to the contrary.

So, I wonder…. Can we parents really influence our children’s friendships? I would love your thoughts!