The Wall Street Journal had an interesting article today on gossip and the efforts to teach kids to ask themselves: “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” before they say something to or about someone else. It’s certainly a practice that we parents can take to heart as well.
After all, how can we expect our children to treat each other with respect if they observe us gossiping? The “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” formula is lovely, but a little idealistic. Gossip, by its very nature, tends to be unkind. Truth is a matter of perspective as is necessity as the example below illustrates.
Jen and Linda had two year old children in the same preschool class. Early in the year, Linda decided that Jen was a negligent mother because her child had a constant running nose. She assumed Jen’s child had a cold and Jen was putting other children at risk by sending her sick child to school. Jen originally had been concerned about her child’s running nose as well. Both her pediatrician and an ear, nose and throat specialist confirmed that enlarged adenoids, not a cold, was the problem. Jen planned to have her child’s adenoids removed when he turned three and the risk of anesthesia decreased. She had explained this to the school and the other parents in the class, but Linda continued to assume she was just a bad mom making up excuses for her negligent behavior. The issue came to a head when Jen’s son got the chicken pox in the spring despite a vaccination, further confirming to Linda that Jen was a terrible mother — an opinion that she actively shared with everyone in the class.
When the class assignments were sent out the following fall, Jen and Linda’s children were not placed in the same class. Nonetheless, Linda made a point of gossiping about Jen and her son to everyone in the new class. Many of these parents were surprised and disturbed that a parent in the preschool community would make such unkind comments about such a young child and complained to the preschool administrator.
Using this example, Is it kind to say that Jen is a negligent mother? No, but most gossip is unkind. Is it true? Linda may firmly believe that Jen is negligent, even though Jen’s perspective is very different. There are always two sides to every story. Now, is it relevant? Linda may have felt she was providing a helpful service, letting other parents know about potential issues. Jen had her child’s adenoids removed over the summer and was surprised that Linda felt the need to continue gossiping about an issue that was no longer relevant. See how complicated it can get? Perhaps the best we can do is try to practice empathy.
The Wall Street Journal article included a reader letter about going to a dance as a teen that offers wonderful perspective. “My mother was waiting for me when I came home. But instead of telling her I had a great time, I regaled her with a scathing description of some incredible nerd who’d tried to dance with me. In essence, I said that this guy had a lot of nerve to expect anyone to dance with a person as weird and ugly as he was. When I finished my tirade, my mom said, ‘You know, this boy you find ugly and weird is some mother’s pride and joy. She waited for him to come home, just like I waited for you, hoping to hear he’d had a nice time at the dance. But when he came home, she saw his face, she knew someone hurt him, and it broke her heart. So the next time a boy asks you to dance, before you turn him down or make fun of him, just remember: Every boy is some mother’s son.’
Perhaps the answer to gossip is a lesson in compassion: Treat everyone the way your mother would want everyone to treat you.
As always, we welcome your thoughts on this subject!
Gossip… Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
After all, how can we expect our children to treat each other with respect if they observe us gossiping? The “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” formula is lovely, but a little idealistic. Gossip, by its very nature, tends to be unkind. Truth is a matter of perspective as is necessity as the example below illustrates.
Jen and Linda had two year old children in the same preschool class. Early in the year, Linda decided that Jen was a negligent mother because her child had a constant running nose. She assumed Jen’s child had a cold and Jen was putting other children at risk by sending her sick child to school. Jen originally had been concerned about her child’s running nose as well. Both her pediatrician and an ear, nose and throat specialist confirmed that enlarged adenoids, not a cold, was the problem. Jen planned to have her child’s adenoids removed when he turned three and the risk of anesthesia decreased. She had explained this to the school and the other parents in the class, but Linda continued to assume she was just a bad mom making up excuses for her negligent behavior. The issue came to a head when Jen’s son got the chicken pox in the spring despite a vaccination, further confirming to Linda that Jen was a terrible mother — an opinion that she actively shared with everyone in the class.
When the class assignments were sent out the following fall, Jen and Linda’s children were not placed in the same class. Nonetheless, Linda made a point of gossiping about Jen and her son to everyone in the new class. Many of these parents were surprised and disturbed that a parent in the preschool community would make such unkind comments about such a young child and complained to the preschool administrator.
Using this example, Is it kind to say that Jen is a negligent mother? No, but most gossip is unkind. Is it true? Linda may firmly believe that Jen is negligent, even though Jen’s perspective is very different. There are always two sides to every story. Now, is it relevant? Linda may have felt she was providing a helpful service, letting other parents know about potential issues. Jen had her child’s adenoids removed over the summer and was surprised that Linda felt the need to continue gossiping about an issue that was no longer relevant. See how complicated it can get? Perhaps the best we can do is try to practice empathy.
The Wall Street Journal article included a reader letter about going to a dance as a teen that offers wonderful perspective. “My mother was waiting for me when I came home. But instead of telling her I had a great time, I regaled her with a scathing description of some incredible nerd who’d tried to dance with me. In essence, I said that this guy had a lot of nerve to expect anyone to dance with a person as weird and ugly as he was. When I finished my tirade, my mom said, ‘You know, this boy you find ugly and weird is some mother’s pride and joy. She waited for him to come home, just like I waited for you, hoping to hear he’d had a nice time at the dance. But when he came home, she saw his face, she knew someone hurt him, and it broke her heart. So the next time a boy asks you to dance, before you turn him down or make fun of him, just remember: Every boy is some mother’s son.’
Perhaps the answer to gossip is a lesson in compassion: Treat everyone the way your mother would want everyone to treat you.
As always, we welcome your thoughts on this subject!