Tis the season for birthday parties and holiday parties which means your child may feel excluded from some social gatherings.
This one seems to be a very tough one for us momma bears. We hate to see our child hurt and we struggle intensely with how to fix it. Should we call the other parent? Lie to our child? Or just help our child come to terms with the disappointment of exclusion. Let’s look at them all a bit more in depth.
Calling the other parent – surprising as it may be, this seems to be a thought that crosses most moms minds when they see their child being excluded, especially if it happens in a public place like a preschool. But the truth of the matter is that little good will come of calling the other mom. It might make you feel temporarily better to vent out your frustration, but it won’t turn back time and score your kid an invite.
Lying to your child – I’ve seen moms tell their kids that they actually were invited but had a conflict or downplay the other kids who attended, all to make their child feel better. I don’t know if this strategy actually works. It may lessen the blow and let’s face it, we don’t really need to make our kids learn all their life lessons the hard way, but it also misses out on a teachable moment – that life is full of disappointment.
Turn it into a teachable moment – I don’t know anyone who has made it through life without getting rejected by a college, a date, or a potential employer. Life is full of disappointment and the kids who succeed are the ones who have skills to cope with and move on from that disappointment. While it seems a bit cruel to have to teach these skills to our little ones, it will only help them in life.
What do you think? How would you handle this situation?
One Comment
It depends on the age of the kids involved. Asking a 2 year old to understand and successfully process that kind of rejection is not appropriate. That is the kind of skill that requires a certain emotional development that usually doesn’t happen until after toddlerhood. That’s why many preschools (even my son’s elementary school) have rules set up to protect kids from that kind of thing. At my kids’ schools they are not allowed to talk about palydates or parties at school for just that reason. On Valentine’s Day, they had all the younger kids write Valentines to all their classmates as a homework assignment so no one was left out. Of course they can still find out, and when my 6 year old realized he was not invited to someone’s party, I was able to talk to him about how it made him feel and help him process it. But could he have done that at 3? No. There will be plenty of time to teach about rejection and exclusion. It will happen, and I’m confident my kids will learn to handle it with my help. But when they are little I still choose places for them to go where the adults are aware enough to at least try to minimize it happening.