The preschool that my daughter attended for three years had a rule that if you invited any kids from the class, you need to invite the entire class. So from age two on, her birthday parties accommodated 20+ kids. Still, the policy seemed reasonable so I never thought to question it. Until we switched preschools.
My younger child now attends a local preschool with a much larger class. Before reserving a space for 30 kids, I decided to check in with the director about the birthday party policy. Unlike our previous preschool, this new school intentionally does not require parents to invite the entire class to parties.
“Disappointment is part of life. These kids are not always going to get invited to everything. It’s okay to let them experience disappointment and teach them how to cope with it,” the preschool director said.
It made so much sense and yet, coming from the school of no child can feel left out, it seemed like a revolutionary approach. Allow a child to experience disappointment and pain. Limit the number of people they can invite to a party so they have to prioritize. Intentionally exclude some children. What a concept!
It is true that we need to teach our children to deal with disappointment in preparation for the real world. New studies are revealing that college students are committing suicide because they cannot deal with disappointment. That said, I cannot help but wonder if we need to start teaching the harsh realities of life at such a young age. Shouldn’t childhood be carefree and magical… a place full of Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, princesses, fairies and superheros.
What do you think? Should we invite the whole class to preschool birthday parties or teach them early that life is full of disappointments and like Gloria Gaynor, they will survive. Thoughts?
4 Comments
If you’re not going to invite the whole class, make sure that the number of kids you allow your child to invite is limited so that the whole class except for one or two children don’t get invited. Limiting the party to ten kids, maximum, is reasonable. And then kids don’t get left out for mean and petty reasons – so it’s not a negative exclusionary process.
If the point is to avoid exclusion and disappointment think how disappointed a child would be if they learned they couldn’t have a party because the parent couldn’t afford to have the whole class over or the close friend who live close to you and can’t come to the party because they happen to be in the same class?
my self I’m not much for big parties I i were ever in a position to though a big party for a class it would be a getting to know you party at the beginning of the year no pressure for gifts or handouts just a place for kids and moms to get to know each other then I believe birthdays will be a family affair until my kids are old enough to ask to have friends over
When my kids were in preschool, we never had birthday parties that included the whole class because of this. In all honesty, the sheer cost of having a party for 20 kids kept me from doing it along with the fact that I thought a party of that size would be overwhelming – for my kids and me!. I understand not wanting to leave kids out at that age, so we opted for small parties with different groups of friends. Then I’d do an in class treat and a small goody bag (something like stickers and 1 piece of candy) to celebrate. It always worked fine.
I have recently grappled with this myself, at the pre-school level its hard to understand why you may not be invited and its also harder for the children not to discuss the party in the classroom thus making it more obvious to those that are excluded. Sometimes “all boys” or “all girls” makes it easier and makes picking an appropriate theme to go along with the party and this seems to make sense to those not invited for the most part. Eg,Billy may not mind being excluded from the princess tea party. I still feel that is the parents decision and not the schools since they are paying for the party sometimes the cost for extra guests is quite significant.
My almost 7 year old is having a small party 8-10 boys to play lazer tag in a couple of weeks. I feel so badly that 2 boys from his class are not invtited but the fact is the boys that aren’t invited haven’t were recently mean to my child. It makes sense that he doesn’t want them to be there. It is HIS birthday so shouldn’t I honor this request not to be “annoyed” by these boys on his birthday. We would have to may $18.95 extra for each child too, so to pay extra for him to be aggravated just doesn’t seem logical.
I am sticking to his wishes and hope that since they are no longer in pre-school its time to handle dissappointment.