You’re on a play date at a park and your child picks up a stick and starts swinging it around. You are about to remind him that if he’s going to play with sticks, he needs to make sure that he is far away from other children so no one gets hurt, when the other mom announces, “Oh, we don’t play with sticks.”
You decide to keep the peace and tell your son that you’re not going to play with sticks today. He is a little disappointed, but recovers quickly when he hears the ice cream truck approaching. Since it is only ten in the morning, you gently tell your son that you will let him have a treat after lunch. He is again upset. As you are taking the time to console him, you notice the other mother returning with her child and an ice cream sandwich. Your son erupts again citing how unfair it is that his friend gets ice cream and he does not.
You stand by your rules but can’t help resenting the other mother for adding unnecessary stress to the play date. Could this play date have played out differently?
Absolutely. But only if you discussed these things in advance. Like most things in life, it can be a little loaded to try to negotiate rules when toddlers are screaming and emotions are raging. However, it is perfectly acceptable to lay out some rules prior to or at the beginning of the play date.
To avoid offending anyone, our friend Katie phrases everything in terms of what she is working on with her own child. For example, she might say something like, “Jake has been using sticks as a weapon a lot lately and his sister has gotten hurt, so I’m really trying to phase him out of that. Do you mind if we don’t let them play with sticks today.” or “I’ve noticed that Jake gets really out of control if he eats sugar between meals. If the ice cream truck comes by during the play date, could you help me out and not give it to your son in front of Jake?”
If you explain it in a way that doesn’t pass judgment on the other person’s choices, but instead focusing on your child and your goals, it makes it easier for them to agree to.
Any other ideas for handling these kinds of conflicts?
One Comment
My children have simply gotten use to seeing other kids with ice cream when they are not going to be having any… They don’t get upset about that because I have made it clear that sometimes that happens. Different parents, different rules… Different mealtimes. Different bedtimes. Some kids have more allowance to buy more toys. Some kids do more chores than they do or less. They just have to get use to it. And they have. They don’t argue or get upset.
If they do get upset and become a public spectacle, that is a one way ticket back to our house where they might be in bed early (because usually sleep is the real issue) or they have to have a talk with us about what happened.
I have also sometimes told another parent that my child is allowed to do something (like play with a stick) if they do it far away from others. If the stick causes anyone a near injury then of course it goes away….but I expect other parents to be able to explain the same thing to them that I do to mine.
We put a lot of hard work into the process of talking this stuff out with the kids over and over and over. They didn’t always understand but we talked about it until they did. I can also explain it to other kids.
Once, a little girl was crying and sad that Scarlet got to buy a toy at the store that she could not get. I got down on my knees and looked her in the eye and explain that Scarlet had an allowance she was using to buy her toy and that maybe she could talk to her mommy about how she might save us the money over time to get a special toy… or maybe she had something at home that was almost the same. We ended up having a nice conversation and Scarlet let the little girl play with her toy for a few minutes before we left.
Most parents appreciate the extra input from other adults… especially if they notice you are backing up their master plan…. and most kids respond more when they hear it from more than one adult…