Mommy Manners: How to Play Nice with Other Parents

Mommunal Living

By naomi panzer | Published: September 15, 2011

When my kids were very little, I used to joke about the idea of a group of moms all living together under the same roof with their kids. I would fantasize about the possibilities: nobody would leave the coffee spoon right next to the sink, there would be endless playdates, free babysitting, the dishwasher would get loaded properly, the laundry mountain would be conquered by many, and most importantly—the remote would only be handled by chubby fingers who cheered for Phineas & Ferb instead of football. Yes, the atmosphere might cloud up with moodiness every month, but we wouldn’t have to explain our temporary psychosis to one another. And the only activity our beds would ever see would be sleep, without claim of exhaustion, headache or “I’ve been tugged on, grabbed on, drooled on all day—Please. Don’t. Touch.”

I never thought about this “mommune” idea as reality. In a haze of sleep deprivation—when my goal for the day was to shower and eat a food item that was NOT scraped off the highchair or my shirt—that is when I would fantasize about the easy, breezy, she-totally-gets-me scenario.

But now it seems mommunal living is a real option for some, especially single and divorced moms, as I read in this Babble.com article. If you had to live with other moms, who would you pick? Would you have everyone sign a contract or just agree over a handshake? Would this arrangement only work when the kids are very little? What happens when the kids don’t get along? Would there have to be a “house mother,” or can everyone truly share responsibilities?

Is the mommune a crazy fantasy, or a real solution?

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Labeling kids

By Jodi Cohen | Published: July 20, 2011

My kid kicked another child in the face yesterday. At least that is what I was told by the other mother as she canceled the playdate as “I’m sure you’ll understand why I want to limit contact between them for a while”.

I do understand. All too well. You think my child is trouble and want to keep him away from your child. I so get it. I’ve stood in that position of judgment myself.

Here’s the problem. My child is not a “bad kid”. He does not go around kicking kids in the face for fun. The other child was holding my child’s leg and in an effort to free his leg, he kicked the other kid in the face. It happens. They are kids. But sometimes we as adults forget that.

We forget that they are physical and they get bumps and scrapes. And they survive. Or at least they used to. now we are so pre-occupied with keeping our kids safe and being super parents that we try to skip that step in childhood and ostracize any parent who is not with the program. You let your kid climb trees, walk around barefoot or rough house? we ask as we turn our noses up and our backs to the family. we label them “bad kids” with “lazy mothers”. I don’t think I’m a lazy mother, raising a bad kid. I certainly don’t encourage my child to kick others, but I also recognize that accidents happen and try to be compassionate when they do.

What do you think?

Finding Mrs. Right

By naomi panzer | Published: June 30, 2011

I’m giddy. Butterflies in the belly. Just met someone and felt a total connection, and now I have the familiar excitement of wondering when we’ll see each other again. We finish each other’s sentences! We both love the outdoors! We totally get each other!

Before you start judging, let me just clarify that I’m not cheating on my husband. A married, suburban hausfrau such as myself is definitely not dating.

But it sure feels like it.

I’m talking about a new mom friend I’ve totally hit it off with. And when you find a mom mate you connect with, it starts a whole process of courtship that is way too familiar (and kind of nauseating).

Thought you were done with dating when you walked down the aisle? Nope. It’s baaaaaaack, and more complicated than searching for your soul mate. First you find a cool mom, then you hope she likes you back, worry if it’s too stalkerish to friend her on Facebook, wonder if you should call her or wait until she calls you (and then think maybe calling is too personal and you should probably just stick to emailing), stress over whether your kids will get along, and pray that you have the same parenting styles, stances on sugar and opinions of hair scrunchies and mommy jeans.

Instead of bringing home Mr. Right to meet your parents, you bring home Mrs. Right and her kids to meet your kids. You might take it slow at first, or you might dive right in while the two of you are still infatuated with each other. You’ll go steady for a while—introduce each other to more friends, get her involved in your world and vice versa, hope that she passes through your dealbreakers. And hopefully—HOPEFULLY—you avoid the dreaded One Night Stand, where you have a fantastic time and even the kids are all getting along great—and then you Never. Hear. From. Her. Again.

I’m going to start out slowly with this new one. Think I’ll wait a few days to, ummm, text her. Don’t want to come on too strong or seem too desperate, right?

What are your stories of “dating” a new mom friend? Great hook-up or too many hang-ups?

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Life in Perspective

By Jodi Cohen | Published: April 1, 2011

My dad used to always say, “this should be your biggest problem” in an effort to put life and the hiccups along the way in perspective. As a kid, I found that insulting since all my problems (even those as pressing as what to wear on a date) seemed important and relevant.

We spend a lot of time on this blog ranting about conflicts between moms – intentional or unintentional slights, differences in parenting styles, issues that make us see red and breath fire. They consume much of our thoughts, our energy, our life. And it seems so important in the moment.

That is until you look at the bigger picture. The picture of life and the blessing of just being here.

As I write this, I can’t help but think of one very dear friend who will be undergoing brain surgery next week to determine if a tumor is cancerous or not and another who went in for a routine mammogram appointment and came out with a diagnosis of breast cancer that has unfortunately spread to the lymph nodes.

Suddenly, my own petty squabbles seem so small. My friends are fighting for their lives and I’m spending mine obsessing over issues that may or may not matter in the big picture. It has really changed my focus. Today, for example, my six year old shared some things that another mother felt the need to tell her about death. While I don’t appreciate her lack of boundaries, I don’t want to take up any of my valuable time on this planet fuming about it. Instead, I’ve chosen to feel lucky that I’m out here in the world able to interact with people (even people who annoy me) instead of stuck in some hospital.

My friends are fighting for their lives and I’m failing to appreciate the very fortunate one that I’ve been given. Something is very wrong with that picture.

So the next time something sets you off, be it another mom, your husband or even your kids (yeah, like that ever happens), try to take a step back and just be grateful that you are here and healthy enough to have this be your biggest problem.

Posted in It Worked for Me | Leave a comment

Bad Choices, Bad Friend?

By naomi panzer | Published: March 28, 2011

Do the clothing choices your mom pal makes for her girls get in the way of your friendship?

I know that may sound ridiculous, but I keep thinking about Abercrombie’s new push up bikini top for girls as young as seven, and as vile and disgusting as I think it is, I wonder how many of my mom friends would agree?

Obviously friends have different opinions. Just like we teach our daughters, we are all supposed to be different, and those differences should be celebrated. But if one of my good friends came home from the mall all excited about the new push up “Ashley” bikini she just bought for her seven-year-old, I would not be able to hold my tongue. And more importantly, I would have to think twice about continuing our friendship. Yes, really.

To me, this goes way beyond two moms simply having a difference of opinion over, for example, when ear piercing is appropriate. If you are ok purchasing a bikini with built-in boobs for your second grader, you’re probably also fine with her collecting Bratz and watching Glee. Those particular choices (while I find them to be outrageously revolting) are not necessarily friendship deal-breakers for me. But the “Ashley” is. Playing “pretend” with a supercurvaceous skanky doll is bad enough, but encouraging your daughter to live out that kind of image and to yearn for her body to develop long before it’s ready, is a whole ‘nother story. That’s not pretend play. That’s real life.

What do you think? Have you ended a friendship with another mom for similar reasons?

Posted in Clash of the parenting styles, Conflict with Friends, Managing different parenting styles | 2 Comments

Is Feedback a Gift?

By Jodi Cohen | Published: March 23, 2011

A friend likes to think that “feedback is a gift. You may not like how it is wrapped up, but it is always a gift.”

I’m not sure I agree. I think some feedback can be a gift offering insight for the recipient. But… more often than not, I think feedback is more a reflection of the giver than the recipient. For example, the friend that tells me that limiting your child’s sugar intake will only force them to feel deprived and seek it out everywhere else later in life. Interesting theory, but I haven’t really seen it play out in practice.

I imagine I could take that feedback as a gift and start dousing my children in sugary treats and reaping the rewards of their terrible behavior. Or, I could realize that this friend might want to justify her own choices and leave it at that.

But it gets more interesting… Have you ever had anyone tell you something truly hurtful and unnecessary with the caveat, “I felt you needed to know” or “it was the right thing to do”? Hmmmm….. Right thing for who?

When is it ever the right thing to tell someone something painful and awful, especially if they are not in the place to truly hear it or act on it. The last bit here is important. I have noticed that a lot of folks, especially moms, feel the need to tell other moms that something is wrong with their child or their parenting. They often feel this need due to their own discomfort. They may rationalize that the other mother would be so much better off if they had this information, but at the end of the day, it’s their own discomfort that drives them.

Here’s the big problem… Most of us would do the right thing for ourselves and our families if we could. But sometimes (or in the early stages of parenting, often), we are just so stressed, overwhelmed or downright exhausted that it takes all our stamina and oxygen just to make it through the day. Any additional burden, like what to feed or not feed our kids, might just be our undoing. Is it then necessary to nit pik?

My point is this: the recipient of the feedback needs to be in a place where they can actually hear it and act on it. If they are overwhelmed by their child’s bad behavior, they may not be able to actually hear and act on your solution for fixing it, especially if it is offered mid-tantrum. Instead, you might want to focus on just supporting them to help them get to a place where they can hear it.

So, I ask you. Is Feedback a Gift or a Curse?

Posted in Conflict with Friends, Judgement Days | 1 Comment

The Real Drama of Children’s Theatre

By naomi panzer | Published: March 22, 2011

When I took my daughter to see a children’s production of The Princess and The Pea at a local theatre, I fully expected the drama on stage. But the theatrics in the audience were like a second show, which competed with the professional performance. And frankly, annoyed the crap out of me.

I understand that you want your kids to experience the excitement of live theatre. It truly is one of the few entertainment venues that is fun for kids and adults. But if your kid can’t sit still or is more interested in kicking the seat in front of him than watching what is unfolding on stage, please do the right thing and don’t bring him.

This particular show was recommended for kids ages five and up. In looking around the theatre, there were plenty of kids under five. Hell, there were a lot of kids under two. I’m not saying I never brought my son to a show when he was thriving in his DestructoBoy years. But I was prepared. Prepared with snacks, action figures and the willingness to leave if he was going to belt out a Laurie Berkner tune. It seems to me that as we live in our growing rude and inconsiderate parenting world, nobody seems to be prepared.

Actually, nobody seems to give a shit about being prepared.

Case in point: the mom and her son in the row behind us. The boy was about three. I could tell because the Terrible Two’s are a complete and utter fabrication, and this kid was clearly in the throes of his DestructoBoy-hood. That, and he was dressed head to toe in Thomas garb, including a conductor hat. So the first time he shouted out to the performers on stage, I let it slide. “THAT’S NOT A PRINCESS!!! THAT’S A MAN!!!” And then the second time. And the third. I threw the mom a look, as if to say, could you kindly shut your kid up? She shot me back a look as if to say, It’s really dark in here so I’m going to pretend like I can’t see you.

Listen, I’ve been there. I have two kids. I get that little ones don’t know that even though there are real live people right there on stage, you’re still supposed to be quiet, like in a movie theatre. But hello parents, that is your job to inform your kids of the Way Things Are. After the first outburst, the mom could have easily said, “I know you want to talk to the performers, but the rules are we have to be quiet and just listen.” Then if that doesn’t work, you employ the bribe or threat of your choice, “If you don’t _____, then you won’t get to _____.” Please. We all said we would never bribe and threaten, but we’ve all broken down. It’s quite effective.

So by the time Sir Topham Hatt behind me shouted his dozenth outburst, I turned around and said to him directly, “Hey buddy, if you want to talk, you need to whisper very quietly.” He stared at me. His mom stared at the stage. Pleasant tactic: 0. Annoying kid with oblivious mom: 1. After that, I turned around and shushed him every time he opened his mouth. The mom apparently had her night vision restored and shot me dirty looks. Where were the ushers? Shouldn’t they be the shushers?

In the section next to us was Offender #2. Observe: a mom with two kids quietly mesmerized with the show, one babbling baby on her lap, and one toddler who raced up and down the aisle, happily using his outside voice. Mom focused on giving her baby a bottle and ignored her chatty boy. I exchanged eye-rolls with another parent. I motioned for him to say or do something, since he was closer to the disturbance. He just shrugged.

Somebody please help me understand why it is acceptable for parents to knowingly allow their kids to be rude, but it’s apparently considered rude for another parent to try and keep the peace??? Are moms afraid of being seen as bitchy if they intervene? And what about dads? Maybe they don’t get involved because they have experienced the wrath of their own sleep-deprived, insecure yet competitive wife and are sure all moms are like this?

I found the theatre manager and told her honestly how I felt. The show was really great, we are big fans of the theatre, but the constant interruptions were beyond disruptive and will influence my decision to come back again. She shrugged and pointed to the program, where it proclaims “for ages five and up.” She said they can only make recommendations, but that it is up to parents to make the right call. I politely suggested that she either urge the ushers to do their jobs and keep everyone quiet, or look into providing on-site babysitting service for the duration of the show.

As we left the theatre, I felt as though I got gypped—like I missed half of the show due to shushing of other people’s kids and ringing in my left eardrum. I asked my daughter what she thought of the performance. “It was AWESOME!” she said as she skipped up the aisle. Did the loud kids in the audience bother her? “Nah. I was listening to the people on the stage so I decided not to hear anything else.”

Posted in Bad Manners, Parenting Police, Public Parenting, Rude Behavior | 1 Comment

Don’t pick up the rope

By Jodi Cohen | Published: March 21, 2011

A friend you used to tell me you can’t have a tug of war with someone if you don’t pick up the rope. This point was given home to me this weekend as another mother hovered around me throwing hostile glances and I choose to blissfully ignore her.

It was a bizarre incident. We were at a carnival with crazy crowds and kids everywhere. I was in line for a game with my daughter when I heard a hostile, “excuse me” to my right. The deeply offended mom continued, “I’m trying to get through.” We were in the middle of the line, but I did my best to scoot to the side so she could pass. Apparently, I didn’t offer her enough room, so she huffed dramatically and disappeared. Or so I thought. Suddenly she was there again, huffing up a storm and looking for a fight. Instead of engaging, I shrugged and turned my attention to my child.

Bizarrely, she kept reappearing, behind me, next to me, always scowling and huffing. It was the strangest thing, almost like an out of body experience. I knew she was angry and wanted to vent her anger at me, but I refused to accept the gift. I simply refused to engage and ultimately, she went away.

It was not long ago that the scenario would have played out entirely differently, with me picking up the hostility and picking up the rope. We would have exchanged words and it would not have been pleasant.

What changed? In a word, me. I started paying attention to my health, my nutrition and my mental state. I have made time for exercise and removed a lot of crap from my diet. As a result, I am calmer and as easily rattled by outside influences. It’s been an amazing shift, particularly in moments like these where I could see how conflict was continually tapping me on the shoulder looking to engage.

It takes a lot to take the higher road. The first step seems to be taking care of yourself. If you’re reading this, try to do something kind for yourself today, even if it means just locking yourself in the bathroom for a few moments by yourself.

Posted in It Worked for Me | 1 Comment

Don’t let others define you

By Jodi Cohen | Published: February 11, 2011

A few years ago we went camping with some other families. I let my children run around in nature and climb trees, even if they seemed a little high and potentially dangerous. I trusted they had the common sense not to climb higher than their comfort level and if they took a fall I was confident it wouldn’t kill them.

One of the other parents had a different comfort level with climbing trees and my hands off parenting during the trip and was so upset by it that he called one of the other families and urged them to tell me that I was a terrible parent and my kids were out of control. This other parent obliged and, I, for reasons I am still working through, took that parents assessment of me and my family to heart.

I fully accepted that I must be a terrible parent because this other person deemed it so. I cried. I cut off social contact with them. I worried that other people felt the same and weren’t close enough to me to tell me (a direct quote from the gal who felt the need to share this with me).

In other words, I ignored my own inner guidance and fully accepted someone else’s assessment of me and my family as fact. What’s worse. I internalized it. I carried it with me like a badge of shame that there must be something wrong with me because I let my children be dare-devils. I know my son is a sensory seeker who craves physical stimulation and I know I’m doing the right thing for him by letting him climb, jump and explore. Still, I always sheepishly try to explain that to other parents afraid that they assume I am checked out or otherwise impaired in my parenting.

What a weight to carry around. This assumption that I am lesser than because I do things differently. I didn’t need anyone to sabotage me. I was sabotaging myself by accepting their assessment as the truth and internalizing it.

I’m so embarrassed that I wasn’t stronger. That I choose to put this added burden on myself. that I never thought to consider why this other parent felt the need to criticize or pass on the criticism. It never occurred to me that the issue belonged to anyone other than me. But it does.

We all make a million choices every day on how to parent and we all observe and have an internal dialog on the choices of those around us. But most of us do not feel the need to externalize that inner dialog, especially with the parties in question. When we do, we should examine our own motivation.

More importantly, when another parent feels the need to share with you what you are doing wrong, please don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t assume that they are right or that there is something wrong with you. you can certainly consider their feedback and examine if it makes sense for you and your family, but include their motivation in that consideration and whatever you do – don’t beat yourself up or let other people define you!

Posted in Conflict with Friends, Judgement Days | 3 Comments

The struggle not to compete

By Jodi Cohen | Published: February 8, 2011

It’s hard not to second guess yourself when you watch a close friend make significant changes in her parenting approach. You might wonder if you should do the same or if her undertaking seems too great, rationalize why your approach is better.

Take the friend who overhauls her discipline strategy or diet or whatever and sees marked results. Or the neighbor who enrolls her child in a foreign language emersion preschool. You might wonder if you should too — if you are depriving your child a lifetime of knowledge by not pushing them when they are young. Or perhaps another friend takes her child to a nutritionist and swears that improves his spirited temperament. Again, we question our own decisions.

In today’s competitive society, it’s really hard not to compare and contrast. To occasionally gloat in the superior glow of feeling like you’ve made the best choice for your child, or more often to second guess yourself in comparison to others.

What’s worse is the guilt we rack on ourselves over these choices, especially if we fear we made a misstep along the way. I personally have made a several big ones for which I berate myself on a regular basis – like brainless putting my son in the same preschool as my daughter even though they are totally different kids and the school while a great fit for his older sister was a terrible fit for him.

It’s definitely challenging and painful to question our own approaches. I personally am still struggling with this one. Anyone have good advice to share?

Posted in Competimommy | Leave a comment

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