I’ve often wondered if other parents just instinctively know what to do when their kid is freaking out or if they’ve had to make as many mistakes as I have. I was blessed with a really easy first child, so by the time my active second one came around, I didn’t really know what to do when he threw a tantrum in public, hit another kid or disappeared and could not be found when I foolishly looked away for a second. I never had to do any heavy parental lifting with my first child and I was paying for it with my second.
My worst moment came during a pancake breakfast at my daughter’s preschool. My husband was a volunteer chef so the kids and I were sitting eating breakfast when my then one year old son spilled his orange juice. In the minute it took me to grab paper towels to clean up the mess, he took off into the crowd.
When I finally spotted him on the stage dancing with much older kids, the teachers were trying to clear kids off the stage. Everyone came off, except my son. When my words couldn’t coax him off, I physically climbed on the stage in front of the entire school, grabbed my now screaming son and carried him out of the room as he tried to hit me in the face. Talk about an all-time low.
I used to be a highly competent professional and now I couldn’t even find my kid, let alone control him. What was wrong with me? How does everyone else have it all together? After countless books and a parenting class or two, it dawned on me that parenting is not intuitive (especially since most of our parents spanked us and that has since become un-PC). Still, a lot of parents are beating themselves and each other up for “not doing it the right way”.
I think it’s safe to assume that if we knew the right way, we would do it. I think back to my frazzled self, standing there trying to catch my out of control child with the judgmental eyes of the entire school looking on. Not one parent offered to help or gave me any encouragement. It’s entirely possible that I was the most incompetent parent on the planet and therefore deserved to suffer. But we can also try to remember, that parenting, like life, is a constant learning process.
Let’s give ourselves and each other a break.
4 Comments
i used to be one of those moms who would stare at the tantrum-ing child in the mall and thank my lucky stars my child didn’t do that. but then i had a second child and my world change… i once saw a neighbor’s child on the floor of a store and she was kneeling down and talking calmly to him, and i judged, i will admit, thinking this woman has got to take that kid and whip his butt into shape. not sure if i could have been that calm. but later when i had my second, we were out and his first public tantrum hit and i panicked and tried to get us the hell out of there asap! i guess we can all learn from each other- next time around i conjured up that image of my neighbor sitting on the floor at target with her wailing child and took a cue from her- after all she has 5 kids and must have some experience. it took a few tries to learn the right “diversion” and now i like to think we can pretty much just avoid it happening all together in the first place. it definitely was trial and error and like i said, when you don’t have that experience from your first child- you just don’t think it can ever happen to you.
Yay for you! I have four children of my own and I will tell you that in my experience this stuff never changes. Rest assured that most of those parents were not as judgmental as you may think. I tend to treat other parents the way I do my children – they have to learn. And while I’m sure my weak, reassuring smile comes off as patronizing or condescending, it’s not meant that way. I’m sure there is more understanding in those eyes than you realize. Because WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE! Breathe Mama. You’re doing a good job. And you are doing the best with what you have. And unfortunately what you had at that moment was a screaming, willful toddler. Be kind to yourself.
I hope that amongst those parents who were judgmental, there were also those who were thinking, “Yeah, I’ve been there. I feel for ya’, lady.”—because most of us have been there…or will be one day. Your post is a good reminder of that.
You should definitely give yourself a break! It seems like you did exactly what you should have done. Maybe some of the other parents wanted to offer a word of encouragement but didn’t know how without sounding intrusive or patronizing. As for those parents who were being judgmental, to heck with them, right? It’s hard to believe their kids have never acted out. Likely they have, but those parents can’t see it in their own children. I say good for you for stepping up and taking your child off the stage after he wouldn’t listen!