Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode blog post sparked a lively discussion about problems that arise between siblings over their differences in parenting styles. With the holiday season in full swing, all of those expanded dinner tables and chaotic family get-togethers provide loads of opportunities for aggravated brothers and sisters to brawl over all kinds of parenting issues like discipline, helicoptering and permissiveness.
But while we might feel like reaching over the turkey and throttling our sib, it seems that silence prevails. One reader commented that “we just grin and bear it…we see no options.” Many others agreed: “I bite my tongue on those rare occasions (the holidays) when we’re forced to get together” and “I gave up on this one a long time ago.”
I don’t think ignoring the issues is the way to go; how will we ever break the cycle if we don’t at least address what’s bothering us? Sitting back and doing nothing won’t solve any problems. But neither will biting the offending sibling’s pinkie (which really did happen in Florida last weekend between two sisters in their 30s!). So where is the middle ground?
And why is it that we come off as this brash society that tells it like it is (thank you, Dr. Phil) yet when we’re faced with serious dilemmas that really hurt us, we opt to zip our lips? Maybe we’re so used to giving our opinions online that we’re starting to really lose the ability to air our differences live and in person?
Of course, parenting disagreements between family are much more complex than if they were just between two mom friends; your relatives are here to stay and breaking up is not an option. Plus you’ve got a long history with your brothers and sisters that carries over into adulthood and our parenting lives.
Please, share your story: what happened when you and your siblings fought over a parenting issue? What do you think you could do in the future to handle it better?
One Comment
My sister and I had a horrible fight this summer after we shared a beach weekend in the same house. She criticized me for treating my kids differently. Well, she didn’t see it as criticism when she made the comments she did, but it fueled a gigantic fight between us. When she used words like “I just don’t understand why you…” it set something off in me. It is not for anyone else to understand how my husband and I are raising the kids. We are doing the best we can, each day is different. Yes, we recognize that they are treated differently and our feeling is THEY ARE DIFFERENT CHILDREN. Not cookie cutter, and it is no one’s business to criticize our choices and what works best for our family. No mom thinks she is doing everything right all the time. It is enough to second guess yourself…Am I harder on my first child? Yes. I recognize that. Does my little one get away with more? Probably. Does that make me a bad parent? I think it is more about getting through the day and how each child best responds to you. We didn’t speak for a week which gave her serious diarrhea! I needed to cool off and wasn’t ready to delve into a 12 hour match which is what it always is with my sister. She left email after email, phone messages. I finally picked up the phone, said I cooled off, I didn’t think this was a conversation we should continue because it is too sensitive and that I was over it. The feelings didn’t subside for a while on my end (she said a whole lot more than what I have shared here- just too long to go into) but eventually we were fine. I usually like to have my side heard and I like communicating. I just think at the time there were too many other things going on in my life that I needed to let some negativity go and that was what I chose. My husband was pissed too- at the comments she made and (his was “who the hell does she think she is?”) I think surprised that I didn’t hash it out with her. It will be a while before I really don’t remember that fight and the things said, but we are back to normal and I have decided that normal is good.