Every February when we visit my snowbirding parents in Florida, we celebrate my daughter’s March birthday. It’s a win-win for everyone: my parents don’t feel guilty for missing her actual party, and my daughter gets to celebrate her birthday twice.
So the birthday girl and my mother bake a lopsided, four-layer Duncan Hines tower and decorate it with goopy frosting, rainbow sprinkles and those princess shapes that feel like Braille and taste like a cross between sugar cane and a wooden cane. (This is one shining example of the objective being the process rather than the end result.)
My son struts around to every person lounging by the pool to invite them to come on over and eat some delicious cake for his sister’s birthday. The young and old join us in singing happy birthday and partaking in the sugar overload, graciously complimenting my daughter on her cake baking skills.
But there is a grandma. And I want to strangle her.
She arrives a few minutes after the crowd has dispersed, strolling her granddaughter who is contentedly sucking on a bottle. The baby’s mom, grandma announces, is taking a nap. Grandma is in charge. My mother offers her some cake and she laughs, saying in a mocking tone that her granddaughter (who is under two years old) has never had cake before! That Mommy has her on an organic diet and (gasp!) she doesn’t have sugar either! Can you believe such a thing?! This will be fun for her granddaughter to finally have some cake!
I butt in. I immediately go to Mommy’s defense, even if she isn’t there. “Maybe that’s not a great idea,” I caution. “You know, since it would be her first time having sugar. This cake is really, a LOT of sugar.”
“Nonsense,” she waves at me. “She’ll be fine. And we won’t tell her mom.”
Oh, great idea.
I don’t want to be around when baby girl’s head spins around like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. So I walk away. But I’m pissed. How rude of Grandma to ridicule her daughter’s choices. And a bit irresponsible too, right? What if baby girl has some kind of reaction, allergic or otherwise?
Do you think Grandma was justified in her decision to indulge her granddaughter? How would you feel if you were the absent mom in this situation? Has this scenario happened to you?
5 Comments
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I would be very disappointed if my mom or my husband’s mom disregarded our wishes. I think that this is not okay and I would never dream of acting this way with my own daughter’s children. I would respect her wishes because I respect her. It would be terrible to ignore her.
If I had an issue with a parenting decision she had made, I would talk with her directly.
I totally agree that parenting is not a defensive sport. What struck me was that Grandma was getting sheer enjoyment out of doing something that she knew her daughter would be upset about. It’s a known fact that grandparents get off on giving sugary treats to their grandkids—I have come to terms with that. But giving a ridiculous hunk of cake to a tot who’s *never in her life* had sugar? I found that to be disrespectful on Grandma’s part. She might not agree with her daughter’s mothering choices, but I felt she should have respected them. What if the little girl were vegetarian and Grandma decided to give her steak? It’s the same thing, but I suspect that example would have more “how dare she?” responses. Somehow the sugar topic is more slippery. Sugar is a HUGE subject that warrants it’s own blog!
Totally out of line for the grandma! Even though I think the mother’s restrictions are overboard, it’s still not appropriate for the grandma to give the child something so way out of what has been deemed acceptable. Especially to do it on the sneak. Very confusing message for the kid and a breach of trust. I also think the mother is in for a rude awakening when her kid becomes a closet sweets eater. We had a bday party and a 4 year old “sugar-free” classmate of my daughter’s had never eaten a lollipop before. They were in the pinata and his mother let the child have his first lollipop – it was incredible watching how he badly he wanted it and how he relished it (imagine watching a drug addict get a needed fix). I don’t think total deprivation is the way to go – everything in moderation is our motto – I think it teaches kids to manage choices and healthy eating much better and doesn’t create an obsession with the forbidden. My kids eat everything (brussels sprouts, asaparagus and broccoli included!) and enjoy treats. Don’t we all?!
I don’t think it is a big deal at all. Grandparents have their own set of rights with grandchildren. As far as the grandmother ridiculing her daughters choices – again, no big deal. I personally do not know a single individual who doesn’t ridicule something their own parents did while parenting, so why shouldn’t a parent have that same right to ridicule their child as a parent? As for the sugar, one piece of cake is not going to ruin any organic sugar free diet and if the child had allergies, the grandmother would have been completely aware of any that would be in a box cake mix.
Parenting is not a defensive sport. As parents we are so concerned with what other people are doing with their children or with what other people think about what we are doing with our children. When all is said and done, none of that matters. Parent your children your way, explain to your children why you do the things you do and why you think the things you do, and let others do the same.
Again, just my two cents!