Have you ever been with a friend who flipped because your child did something that totally doesn’t bother you? Maybe your child talked too loudly, or interrupted you mid conversation or asked a question mid-chew. Annoying, absolutely? Cause for extreme punishment? Your friend seems to think so.
You may think she’s over-reacting. But we all have different tolerance levels. This lesson was driven home recently. We have a houseguest staying with us for 17 days. He is a really nice guy and even though it is a long duration, I didn’t forsee any problems. The ones that have cropped up all relate to differences in tolerance.
He sees nothing wrong with finishing the almond butter in the middle of the night. I find it annoying as I have to explain to my kids why they can’t have their favorite sandwiches for lunch (since their schools start before Trader Joes opens). He sees nothing wrong with using my computer to download some video and make a movie. I am very possessive of my computer and want it available in the rare moments I actually have to myself to use it. None of this is criminal or ill intended. It just pushes my buttons in a way that I’m sure our houseguest never realized.
I suspect the same thing happens between friends. You may build up a tolerance to your own child’s loud manner, but it can be very jarring to a quiet friend with calmer kids. You have watched your three year old do the monkey bars so many times that you barely glance in his direction as he swings across, but a playground acquaintance, who may not be aware of his strength and coordination panics and demands you supervise him more closely.
It has been so interesting to me to be on the flip side – being the one who is annoyed as it has given me clear insight into what I need from the other person. I need him to understand why this bothers me. In a perfect world, I would like him to refrain from doing it, but understanding my point of view goes a long way.
So, the next time a friend freaks over something you think is trivial with your child, take a beat and ask them why it bothers them. You might then explain to your child, “This activity really bothers our friend Hilary. I know this normally isn’t one of our rules, but while we’re with Hilary, can we try to ….”
My child psychologist friends tell me this is actually good for the child as it teaches them that different behavior is required in different situations.
What do you think? Has this ever happened to you? how did you handle it?
When Other People’s Kids Push your Buttons
Have you ever been with a friend who flipped because your child did something that totally doesn’t bother you? Maybe your child talked too loudly, or interrupted you mid conversation or asked a question mid-chew. Annoying, absolutely? Cause for extreme punishment? Your friend seems to think so.
He sees nothing wrong with finishing the almond butter in the middle of the night. I find it annoying as I have to explain to my kids why they can’t have their favorite sandwiches for lunch (since their schools start before Trader Joes opens). He sees nothing wrong with using my computer to download some video and make a movie. I am very possessive of my computer and want it available in the rare moments I actually have to myself to use it. None of this is criminal or ill intended. It just pushes my buttons in a way that I’m sure our houseguest never realized.
I suspect the same thing happens between friends. You may build up a tolerance to your own child’s loud manner, but it can be very jarring to a quiet friend with calmer kids. You have watched your three year old do the monkey bars so many times that you barely glance in his direction as he swings across, but a playground acquaintance, who may not be aware of his strength and coordination panics and demands you supervise him more closely.
It has been so interesting to me to be on the flip side – being the one who is annoyed as it has given me clear insight into what I need from the other person. I need him to understand why this bothers me. In a perfect world, I would like him to refrain from doing it, but understanding my point of view goes a long way.
So, the next time a friend freaks over something you think is trivial with your child, take a beat and ask them why it bothers them. You might then explain to your child, “This activity really bothers our friend Hilary. I know this normally isn’t one of our rules, but while we’re with Hilary, can we try to ….”
My child psychologist friends tell me this is actually good for the child as it teaches them that different behavior is required in different situations.
What do you think? Has this ever happened to you? how did you handle it?