At a birthday party this weekend, another mother who I have known causally for years snapped at me that my son was too close to her daughter. It wasn’t so much what she was asking – her kid doesn’t like people too close to her and I respect that – but how she did it – very accusatory and full of venom.
I swiftly redirected my son and he didn’t give it a second thought. But I did. Her tone, body language and approach all implied that I was “that awful mother with that awful kid”.
It stung, but it also surprised me. My son is intense and it took me a while (longer than I’d like to admit) to figure out the advanced parenting strategies necessary to diffuse his intensity. But now that’s under control and I feel good about him and my parenting.
To be fair, the other mom hadn’t seen us in a while and clearly assumed that he was going to do something wrong even though I knew he wouldn’t.
Now here’s the weird thing. Even though his behavior was fine, I felt badly about myself and about him. I felt shame. The way the other mother treated us made me question if there was something wrong with us. I knew on an intellectual level that his behavior was fine, but on an emotional level, I was reeling and I was aware of it.
In the presence of this other mother who treated me like a bad parent, I felt like a bad parent (even though I know I am not). Perhaps some of the dynamics between moms are a self fulfilling prophecy. If you hang out with other moms who think you and your kids are great, they are. They live up to that expectation.
But, if you hang with judgmental people who shame you, you feel bad about yourself, start treating your kids as if they are misbehaving and they then sink to that level.
Shame — How others influence your parenting
At a birthday party this weekend, another mother who I have known causally for years snapped at me that my son was too close to her daughter. It wasn’t so much what she was asking – her kid doesn’t like people too close to her and I respect that – but how she did it – very accusatory and full of venom.
It stung, but it also surprised me. My son is intense and it took me a while (longer than I’d like to admit) to figure out the advanced parenting strategies necessary to diffuse his intensity. But now that’s under control and I feel good about him and my parenting.
To be fair, the other mom hadn’t seen us in a while and clearly assumed that he was going to do something wrong even though I knew he wouldn’t.
Now here’s the weird thing. Even though his behavior was fine, I felt badly about myself and about him. I felt shame. The way the other mother treated us made me question if there was something wrong with us. I knew on an intellectual level that his behavior was fine, but on an emotional level, I was reeling and I was aware of it.
In the presence of this other mother who treated me like a bad parent, I felt like a bad parent (even though I know I am not). Perhaps some of the dynamics between moms are a self fulfilling prophecy. If you hang out with other moms who think you and your kids are great, they are. They live up to that expectation.
But, if you hang with judgmental people who shame you, you feel bad about yourself, start treating your kids as if they are misbehaving and they then sink to that level.
Has this ever happened to you? What do you think?