The New York Times ran an article today that parents are yelling more now that spanking has become so politically incorrect. The theory is that since we no longer spank, we channel our frustration into yelling. As it turns out, yelling may be just as traumatic and damaging to our little ones as physically striking them.
I personally feel that other people’s discipline styles are none of my business and think spanking is a personal choice. My parents did it and my sister and I managed to avoid juvenile detention. I have good friends that do it and their kids are perfectly lovely. My husband has very strong opinions about physical violence, so we do not to spank, but we do yell. A lot. Often over silly things, like getting shoes on and getting into the car. I hate to think that we are damaging little one psychies every time we raise our voices. I much prefer to follow Reese Witherspoon’s logic, “if you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.”
Perhaps there are some parents with infinite patience and compassion that never raise their voice or lose their tempers with their children. I wish I were one of them, but sadly I will not be up for sainthood anytime soon. So what is a normal parent who occasionally loses their cool to do?
Spanking is not technically illegal. I learned this fun fact from a friend who heard it directly from a police officer after her neighbor who overheard her child mid-tantrum through an open window called the police about suspected child abuse.
Oh yes, it’s true. Last summer, when Seattle temperatures surpassed 100 and many of the older homes without air conditioning turned into saunas, my friend let her daughter play at the shaded park until well past her normal bed time while the house cooled down. Upon returning home, she tried to get her filthy and completely over-tired daughter into the tub to clean off and cool down before bed. Her daughter was having none of it and a tantrum ensued that was apparently overheard by the neighbors through the open windows. The daughter eventually relented on the bath and briskly fell fast asleep.
As her mother was cleaning up the house, she heard a pounding on the door. Two uniformed police officers told her they had been called for suspected child abuse and they needed to see her daughter. Upon viewing her blissfully sleeping child, they told her that while spanking is not illegal, they may want to discuss the situation with their neighbors.
On one hand, it’s great that people in the community are so concerned about the safety of our children. On the other, it’s a little frustrating that yelling at our kids to take a bath can merit a police visit. Where do you fall on this Mommy Manners quandary?
3 Comments
Ouch! What a tough subject!
I wonder if there’s a difference between “yelling” and “screaming”? Perhaps not… but in a way, I think “yelling” can be synonymous with disciplining a child — at any volume level. Screaming, to me, connotes a loud, angry form of discipline. So, my mom yelled at me when she told me sternly to do something, but she didn’t usually scream at me. (She did sometimes, though, I think back now to how stressed out she must have been at times! What a saint she was to deal with my sister and me, especially after my parents’ divorce!)
I think screaming — or any kind of angry, loud rejoinder — can be ineffective except in extreme or short-term circumstances (perhaps an emergency where the child needs to be scared into action?). I also think screaming or loud yelling is natural; parents are people too, and they get angry, right? As I said in my previous comment, I’m only pregnant with my first child, so I’m speaking from ignorance here! I know my sister, though, who’s a great mother, has called me, in tears, when she’s screamed or gotten really angry with her daughters. However, she never regrets disciplining them or talking sternly to them. It seems that, for her, the difference is not so much in the content of the message but in the mode of delivery and, more importantly, in my sister’s state of mind when she was delivering that message. When she feels in control and more objective, she feels more confident about disciplining her children — and I think my nieces probably pick up on that confidence. When she loses control (completely understandable considering the stress of parenting!), she also seems to lose confidence in her abilities (and again, I think my nieces have some sense of this, which sometimes makes the situation get worse instead of better). I don’t mean to judge my sister at all because she’s such an amazing parent; I can only hope to do half as good a job! Just thinking out loud (well, online) about the differences I’ve seen in her depending on how she went about disciplining her children. I think it’s inevitable that most parents will scream at their kids occasionally. I suppose the key is making sure that not all discipline comes in a loud, angry format or else discipline will cease to be constructive and reasonable and instead become something a child will try to ignore or avoid through lying or deception.
BTW, I was screamed at a lot growing up-I developed the great skill of being able to tune out anyone. Kids will make you want to scream. Recognize when you need to give yourself a time-out, tell your kids you need to give yourself a time-out to get your head back together. Kids are more intelligent than you think and screaming is highly ineffective and their respect for you tanks when they see how little control you have over yourself…and they will model your behavior, for better or worse…
My new favorite book “Screamfree Parenting” has a website:
http://www.screamfree.com
and no I don’t have any ties to the author or site