If your friend doesn’t ask, is it your place to tell her parenting or her child need improvement?
Most of the stories we have heard on this topic, do not have happy endings. Take, for example, our friend Mindy who was devastated when her old friend Jessica gave her an earful about her son, Kyle.
The two moms have been friends for over twenty years, since college. They spent a vacation week together as families. On the last day of their trip, Mindy and Jessica took a walk while their husbands stayed back at the house with the kids. Mindy said that Jessica told her she felt that Kyle (almost two years old) needed therapy, and that there might be something developmentally wrong with him.
She explained that she witnessed how Mindy’s time-outs with Kyle never work because she isn’t consistent and doesn’t take them seriously. Also, Kyle doesn’t make eye contact and he constantly walks on his tip-toes, two signs of a potential developmental delay. Mindy fought back tears and felt her blood boil. Jessica went on to say that Mindy would be an irresponsible, even neglectful parent, by ignoring his behavior. Mindy was so shocked at what she felt were stinging accusations, that she said nothing.
When the friends returned to their homes in different states, their frequent phone calls stopped. Mindy felt like a deflated balloon. After all of those years of a sister-like friendship and being each other’s maids of honor and having their first-born kids just weeks apart, Mindy felt betrayed. She invested so much into her friendship with Jessica, sharing her deepest secrets and desires, mistakes and fears. And this felt suddenly like Jessica was throwing it all back in Mindy’s face.
Mindy felt that Jessica was totally out of line and went too far in her assessment of Kyle and Mindy’s parenting. It wasn’t like Jessica was a child psychiatrist or anything, and her daughter wasn’t an angel either.
Mindy and Jessica haven’t spoken since that last day of their vacation, and even though Mindy wishes it didn’t come to this, she also feels so bitterly upset that she can’t bring herself to reach out to Jessica. Ironically, the worst part is that all Mindy wants to do is cry to her best friend about this situation, but her best friend is Jessica.
Have you ever experienced a similar situation in which a friend told you your parenting was lacking in some way? Or have you been the one to share such an opinion with another friend? Can friendships survive these judgments? Is it ever ok to tell a friend you are concerned about her parenting? Or should you just butt out?
3 Comments
This isn’t really a black and white situation. Truth is, if I had a really good friend who was doing something with their child I felt compelled to comment on. it would either be minor or a really big deal. The things that fall into the category or really big deal are stuff like verbal abuse, physical abuse… neglect, harmful to the child’s health or safety.
I would probably say my piece and then let the friendship break because I wouldn’t want to be hanging out with someone that would abuse their kids.
If it were minor, I would just say what I saw and ask a few questions about it vs. make an all around assessment. They may have reasons for doing things differently than I do. Not really my place to judge.
What struck me about the woman commenting about the developmental delays of the child is the sheer arrogance. No one can assume they know what causes kids to develop at different rates and in different ways. If this person was specific about just one thing, then sure. The child can go in to see a doctor. And, it is probably a bonus that a friend can pin point something that needs to be looked at.
On the other hand, making an all around assessment of a child and saying there is “something horrible wrong” seems stupid really. That would annoy me (especially if I felt my child was doing fine). I probably wouldn’t quit my friend cold turkey if it happened to me but I would let them know how I felt and try to talk about it.
I think you do have to be open to feedback and criticism to some degree. Defensiveness just closes you down and you can’t learn anything new that way. We all start off as novices in this profession called parenting. I still have a lot to learn and I try to master new skills as often as my children grow out of my old skills. Just getting defensive about feedback from your pal that is less than flattering just means you need to put your fracking ego aside and think about it for a few minutes. You do this for the sake of your kids as much as anything else.
Well in the situation you described, I don’t see Jessica criticizing Mindy’s parenting. In fact she didn’t say a word about her parenting!! How hard it must have been for Jessica to even approach Mindy – however, as a friend she felt the need to bring up observations about a child who may need to be evaluated. As a parent of a developmentally delayed child I know that many people saw the delays before I was ready to admit them to myself. It has zero to do with parenting and everything to do with loving your friend enough to try to help.
People today feel that everything is about them, that conversation is about Kyle and his needs.
Never! And I mean, NEVER! Criticize your best friend’s parenting style. Unless, of course, you no longer wish to be friends. I don’t care if your friend allows her child to get so jacked up on caffeine soda that he stays up all night, eats frogs and spews green vomit all over you as his head is turning 360s! You just smile and say, “I understand,” (even though you don’t: How can anyone be this fricken incompetent at child rearing) “My kids drive me nuts as well.”
Why? Because, as a best friend, dispensing child rearing advice is not in your fucking job description! That is not what you’ve been hired for! Your job is to make sure your friend feels good about herself. Your job is to make her feel like she is not alone. How is that accomplished by slicing your friend’s maternal Achilles’ heal? Christ! Why don’t you just say, ‘And about that thigh cellulite you have been so sensitive about all these years. I have noticed it, everyone can see it and, yes, that is why your husband no longer wants to have sex with you.’ Would you later wonder why your friend no longer wished to speak to you? I suppose one could justify one’s actions under the umbrella of, “I just wanted to help my friend,“ but, really? Did Jessica really want to help Mindy? Or was she just so pissed off at witnessing such a deplorable lack of common sense child rearing that she couldn’t keep her big mouth shut.
If you are skilled, and ONLY is your friend asks, you might be able to get away with a nugget of advice, but you have to be willing to throw your own children under the bus to do so. “Oh, I know. My Johnny used to stay up all night too! But then I had this neighbor who told me to replace soda with water! I don’t know if it would work for you, but I think it’s helping Johnny! Although he still sucks and I want to kill him.” As for your Johnny, who is sound asleep by nine, he doesn’t have to know.
In short, Mindy has every right to cry a river a tears. After all, she has just discovered that her secure, life time investment can not weather every storm. A true friend would have known better.