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Comment on Is it ever ok to tell another mom that something is wrong with her parenting? by Hannah

Hannah — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 05:51:49 +0000

This isn’t really a black and white situation. Truth is, if I had a really good friend who was doing something with their child I felt compelled to comment on. it would either be minor or a really big deal. The things that fall into the category or really big deal are stuff like verbal abuse, physical abuse… neglect, harmful to the child’s health or safety.

I would probably say my piece and then let the friendship break because I wouldn’t want to be hanging out with someone that would abuse their kids.

If it were minor, I would just say what I saw and ask a few questions about it vs. make an all around assessment. They may have reasons for doing things differently than I do. Not really my place to judge.

What struck me about the woman commenting about the developmental delays of the child is the sheer arrogance. No one can assume they know what causes kids to develop at different rates and in different ways. If this person was specific about just one thing, then sure. The child can go in to see a doctor. And, it is probably a bonus that a friend can pin point something that needs to be looked at.

On the other hand, making an all around assessment of a child and saying there is “something horrible wrong” seems stupid really. That would annoy me (especially if I felt my child was doing fine). I probably wouldn’t quit my friend cold turkey if it happened to me but I would let them know how I felt and try to talk about it.

I think you do have to be open to feedback and criticism to some degree. Defensiveness just closes you down and you can’t learn anything new that way. We all start off as novices in this profession called parenting. I still have a lot to learn and I try to master new skills as often as my children grow out of my old skills. Just getting defensive about feedback from your pal that is less than flattering just means you need to put your fracking ego aside and think about it for a few minutes. You do this for the sake of your kids as much as anything else.

Comment on Have Your Cake and (Not) Eat It, Too by Hannah

Hannah — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 16:04:41 +0000

I would be very disappointed if my mom or my husband’s mom disregarded our wishes. I think that this is not okay and I would never dream of acting this way with my own daughter’s children. I would respect her wishes because I respect her. It would be terrible to ignore her.

If I had an issue with a parenting decision she had made, I would talk with her directly.

Comment on Have Your Cake and (Not) Eat It, Too by Naomi

Naomi — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 19:15:53 +0000

I totally agree that parenting is not a defensive sport. What struck me was that Grandma was getting sheer enjoyment out of doing something that she knew her daughter would be upset about. It’s a known fact that grandparents get off on giving sugary treats to their grandkids—I have come to terms with that. But giving a ridiculous hunk of cake to a tot who’s *never in her life* had sugar? I found that to be disrespectful on Grandma’s part. She might not agree with her daughter’s mothering choices, but I felt she should have respected them. What if the little girl were vegetarian and Grandma decided to give her steak? It’s the same thing, but I suspect that example would have more “how dare she?” responses. Somehow the sugar topic is more slippery. Sugar is a HUGE subject that warrants it’s own blog!

Comment on Have Your Cake and (Not) Eat It, Too by Nancy

Nancy — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:49:13 +0000

Totally out of line for the grandma! Even though I think the mother’s restrictions are overboard, it’s still not appropriate for the grandma to give the child something so way out of what has been deemed acceptable. Especially to do it on the sneak. Very confusing message for the kid and a breach of trust. I also think the mother is in for a rude awakening when her kid becomes a closet sweets eater. We had a bday party and a 4 year old “sugar-free” classmate of my daughter’s had never eaten a lollipop before. They were in the pinata and his mother let the child have his first lollipop – it was incredible watching how he badly he wanted it and how he relished it (imagine watching a drug addict get a needed fix). I don’t think total deprivation is the way to go – everything in moderation is our motto – I think it teaches kids to manage choices and healthy eating much better and doesn’t create an obsession with the forbidden. My kids eat everything (brussels sprouts, asaparagus and broccoli included!) and enjoy treats. Don’t we all?!

Comment on Have Your Cake and (Not) Eat It, Too by Molly

Molly — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:50:50 +0000

I don’t think it is a big deal at all. Grandparents have their own set of rights with grandchildren. As far as the grandmother ridiculing her daughters choices – again, no big deal. I personally do not know a single individual who doesn’t ridicule something their own parents did while parenting, so why shouldn’t a parent have that same right to ridicule their child as a parent? As for the sugar, one piece of cake is not going to ruin any organic sugar free diet and if the child had allergies, the grandmother would have been completely aware of any that would be in a box cake mix.

Parenting is not a defensive sport. As parents we are so concerned with what other people are doing with their children or with what other people think about what we are doing with our children. When all is said and done, none of that matters. Parent your children your way, explain to your children why you do the things you do and why you think the things you do, and let others do the same.

Again, just my two cents!

Comment on Is it our Social Responsibility to Control Children in Public? by Sacha

Sacha — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 06:30:04 +0000

I’m not entirely sure the expectations put onto our children by society are truly fair. My son is (in my eyes) this wonderfully behaved little person who is sweet and compassionate. But he hasn’t figured out how to modulate his voice, and he also haven’t figured out that maybe he shouldn’t verbalize every single thought that comes into his head. So he’s annoying to others at times, and I don’t always remove him as fast as I maybe should because I really do believe he should be able to be present, much to the chagrin of others.

I think there is too much control expected to be exerted over children. They are, after all, children. They are loud and rambunctious, they have rough social skills, they love to run and play. And when it’s really important I sit down and have a talk with my son, discuss how his actions affect others, and he gets it. I think because I don’t exercise my parental authority that often, when I do I get listened to (most of the time, tired kiddo means nothing is going in those ears). But I guarantee that many people in public have directed evil thoughts my direction about my seemingly laissez fair parenting approach.

Ultimately, who matters? The judgement of people we don’t know or the well-being of our children? Personally I will weather the glares.

Comment on Different values by Sacha

Sacha — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:20:39 +0000

I’m not saying that her method of saving money is appropriate, but think what might be motivating her. Maybe $15 is a lot of money to her. Maybe it’s groceries or much needed clothes for her child. She clearly lied about the price, and she has to live with herself and her tactics. It is only $15, and you don’t have to do any more business with her in the future. We can teach our children the impact of our actions on others and how you felt used and betrayed by this woman’s actions, and that sometimes people are unethical creeps. We can also teach them how we can let things go and move on. I can think of a lot of bigger things I would want to demonstrate fighting for my values on.

Comment on Choosing to do nothing by Sacha

Sacha — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 01:11:39 +0000

I think if the kid is really little (like mine) we, as parents, have an obligation to monitor and to coach. I don’t mean to problem-solve for the kid, but the suggest good ways to resolve conflict, and to intervene if necessary in an appropriate manner. Then as they get older they will be practicing those same things we have encouraged and sometimes modeled by doing ourselves, and we can pull back and support.

Comment on Spill-It by LH

LH — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 00:21:00 +0000

Starting when my daughter was two months old another mother became very “concerned” because she was so “fat”! Every time I saw her, about once a week, she would constantly quiz me as to what my daughter ate (nothing but breast milk) and how much she weighed. After about six weeks of this, she took me to the side during a meeting we were both attending and asked me if I was concerned because of how heavy my now three month old daughter was, when I explained that I wasn’t concerned that I thought she was doing fine and her weight was not a concern to me she told me that I should be worried about how her weight might affect her (again, she is 3 months old at this time!). The following week she asked me if I had been to the doctors lately. Unbeknownst to her, my daughter had been seeing a number of specialist to help determine whether she had a birth defect that we had been worried about since 18 weeks prenatal, I thought she knew. When I told her that we just had some great news from one of the specialist she said, “Oh, I didn’t know there was an issue, that is great, but did they say anything about her weight?” I was horrified by her complete obsession with my daughters weight, who cares, she is an infant- I wasn’t feeding her Twinkies!

I then stopped seeing her for a while…saw her again when my daughter was about 6 months old…her first question…”Wow, she’s big how much does she weigh now?” My daughter is a beautiful, not overweight toddler now, she has outgrown the baby fat, I am sure that this other mom would be very happy, indeed. What scares me is that she has a daughter a little older then mine…that poor girls self esteem! Needless to say, we aren’t friends.

Comment on Just Say NO by Sacha

Sacha — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 23:40:10 +0000

I’m sorry, but it’s not my job as a parent to enforce your rules, or make your rules easier to swallow for your kids. You know what my kid had for breakfast this morning? Half a soda. Oh, and some cold cereal and some bananas. You would judge me, think that I just don’t say “no”. What I do is allow my son a voice in our family. He found a soda on the counter and asked for it politely. Perhaps I need to not leave soda on the counter or maybe even not buy it. No matter, once he found it and asked, I gave it to him. I’m not going to say “no” if your kids are sitting at the table with us and aren’t allowed to have soda for breakfast.

And what’s this “thank you, but my kids follow the rules”? What rules. YOUR rules. Maybe the rules in other families are different, and maybe you should respect that. And interesting that you’re concerned about your “friend” siding with your kids and against you. Is this a war? Does parenting children require taking sides?

You know what you do? You leave it alone, then you can talk to your kids about how your own family is different from your friends family. Tell them your rationale for not serving candy for breakfast or not allowing another TV show. And if you find yourself challenged so much by someone who doesn’t parent like you, find other people who have similar rules and hang out with them.